Grief Surfaces Once More

Just when I was good and distracted by my recent trip to Peru, wham! I wake up crying yesterday morning. How could Grandma be gone? In my dream it was inconceivable and yet so devastatingly true that she is dead that I broke down.

And yet, how can this level of intensity still be there after more than a year and a half? How can the loss still feel so fresh? Why does this passionate grief come back at certain times and not others? Grief is capricious.

It’s been a long time since I dreamt of Grandma. In this dream she was alive for part of the dream, riding in the back of a car that I was driving. My mom was in the car, too, and I was lost (literally). I was asking them to give me directions because I don’t know downtown Sacramento, CA. “This is your town,” I said to them both. But they didn’t tell me where to drive. I couldn’t see the face of either of them. I didn’t know where to go, so I kept on driving.

Later in the dream, Grandma was dead, and I was at her house. I just kept crying and hlding back screams. I was so angry. It was at this point that I realized that I was dreaming while I dreamt (you know that feeling), and I remember telling myself, go ahead and cry. So I did, and then I woke up.

The part that is hardest about the dream is that I never saw Grandma. She was there but unresponding — so not like her. I was angry, I think, because of this anomally. Where is she, I kept asking. Why won’t she speak?

Such things have a way of unsettling ones day.

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5 Responses

  1. I’m so sorry. That dream would really be unsettling. To be so close and to not be able to interact would be tough.

    My grandma (not the one that passed away recently, but the one that died a couple years ago) had ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease). Her disease started with a loss of speech. I remember having a dream while she was still alive that she regained her speech. I was so disappointed when I woke up…

    In a way, though, I think it’s a good thing the intensity is still there. That means you still care deeply for her. This also tells me she was one heck of a woman, to be missed this intensely.

  2. Oh, I’m so sorry to hear your grandma had ALS. That’s a terrible disease. And I know exactly that feeling of disappointment upon waking when one has a good dream. I had a lovely dream about my grandma right after her death. She was SO real. Then I awoke.

    You’re right, though, about the trade off. I’d rather have loved and lost than never to have loved at all…

  3. In my experience, there is no expiration date on grief and why, how and when it hits you. I still get those feelings and dreams 20, 13 and 11 years after my grandma’s, son’s and mom’s passings.

    {{Hugs}}

    -Temmy

  4. I also can relate to having disturbing dreams about a deceased and loved relative.
    Interestingly, I can’t recall any dreams about my late grandparents. (I have only one grandmother left now).
    Thank you for your kind comments on my site on my entry about depression. I see how you are rlated to the topic of this feeling. I am sorry about your Grandmother.
    I have also surfed your site and read some of the Peru stuff.

  5. Temmy — Indeed, no expiration date. So true. Thanks for stopping by!

    SzélsőFa — Thank you for visiting my site. I often see your comments on strugglingwriter’s blog and thought I’d go visit your blog. I was glad to see someone else grappling with serious and complicated yet highly personal issues. Thanks for sharing.

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